I have spent the past couple of years thinking about what the hell is going on with my life. Obviously, you have come up. I used to think that I was some crazy pathetic woman for loving you, and it's true that when we met I was reeling from a divorce of my own choosing and looking for validation and someone to make everything better. Everything I was doing was leading me to more unhappiness. You were unhappy with your job, self destructive with your personal life, and afraid to be alone. Everything you were doing was leading you to more unhappiness.
The only thing that was right about us at that moment was that we met, despite our failure to have any clue what we were doing. And immediately, we fucked it up.
When I saw you again, I told you that it was like a dark blanket that was covering me blew off, and yeah, that's a silly way to talk about love - it's not a monster I'm hiding from in the dark or a game of full-body peek-a-boo.
I just knew that loving you and caring for you is what I'm supposed to do. And I know that you are supposed to love and care for me, no matter how difficult I make it (I know that I pride myself on being utterly self sufficient, but honestly, you know how bad I am at it). It's the way to our true selves.
I know that we have been sucking at this so far (we are insanely bad at this, truly), but I'm not giving up.
I'm no longer thinking about what I should be feeling, I am now JUST feeling. When I started listening to what my body was saying, things got a hell of a lot clearer. My body is telling me that it loves you and when I deny that, nothing feels right about the path that my life is taking.
So I'm going to love you, love the hell out of you, because it makes me smile when I picture your face calling me from some hotel room when you're away or watching you walk towards me on the street. There is too much joy in my body to ignore, and I will not stop radiating that love back out into the world. When I close my eyes and feel you holding me I feel that the world is perfect, and I belong in that happy place.
This is all there is, and I can't really describe it other than as a pulsing in my stomach with bright warm light and a humming line of amazing music that stretches out into the distance. Yes, that sounds nuts, and we may never see each other ever again. I don't care. This is my truth and I will shout it incoherently from the rooftops. I am a creature of light and magic and I'm going to let my heart lead me where it wants to go.
I don't know what your truth is. As long as you are living your true life and feeling the crazy joy in your gut that I am, we can continue to exist together separately. I hope that you can feel what I am feeling in my heart and that connection brings you the kind of happiness you had sitting on my sofa. It's there if you get really quiet and let yourself feel it. I am done denying how I feel and keeping it a secret from the world - I LOVE you R, and I LOVE me. I will take care of the miracle that was created the moment we met and rejoice in the universe's gift to both of us, and follow it where it wants to take me. I hope that you can follow it too :) xox